“HOW DID I MET HER?” Well kalo lu tanya, ceritanya bakal panjang.
It was eight years ago, time surely went by so easily, huh?
I got accepted into a fancy private school in Jakarta. It was my first day of junior high school. Three floors building in front of me were kind of intimidating the more i stared at it. “Are you gonna be fine, Raphael?” asked the woman beside me who was holding my hand, looking at me with her worried expression.
“Jonah, Mi. Mulai sekarang Raphael maunya dipanggil Jonah,” I said. She chuckled a bit, “So mami is not allowed to call you Raphael anymore?”
I shook my head. “It’s different, only you can call me that.” Mom smiled and let off my hand to send me off into the building, waved at me, and not so long she disappeared into the car.
That was maybe the first and last time mom sent me off to school. My mom was a doctor. And by that time — i was so sure that i was going to be a proper adult with bunch of expectations that my life would go exactly as my parents planned me to be, looking how successful my parents were.
Gua nggak punya cita-cita. My parents planned my whole life into a mindmap as if i was a program or something. When you came from a huge and well connected families with educated people, doctors, lawyers, and powerful people — your whole life is basically managed. I agreed with that at first. I could be anything with that power and connection. I was a little arrogant.
But my whole perspective changed when i met her.
“Kamu anak orang kaya ya?”
Yep. That was her.
She was my chairmate. I didn’t like her. And why the fuck anak SMP masih pake aku-kamu? She was quite weird.
I glanced at her a bit and rolled my eyes. My intention was only to pay attention to Miss Betsy in front of the class since it was first day at school, so i was simply ignoring her. But i could still feel her staring at me.
“Eh ditanya tuh jawab, dodol!”
Kali ini gua nengok cepet. “Apaan, sih, lu!? Kagak ada permen,” kata gua pake nada agak tinggi. She was shocked at first, but then smiled widely as if she just accomplished a mission. “Jawab pertanyaanku tadi dong.”
“Enggak.” Jawab gua singkat, biar dia gak nanya mulu.
“Bilang aja iya susah bener. Kamu keliatan expensive, tas kamu aja Docter Marteens!” Aneh. She was really weird. It seemed like she had a lot of ways just to annoy me.
“Mau lu apaan sih? Terus mana ada anak SMP pake aku-kamu. Udah gede tuh lu-gue. Lu salah masuk sekolah ya?”
“Hah? Emang gitu? Ada peraturannya?”
I didn’t answer, just looking at her eyes those were weirdly addictive. “Ah nggak jelas lu. Jangan ajak gua ngomong.” I said as i turned my head back front because i felt my cheeks were burning from staring at her eyes too long. And she actually listened to me.
After a while, she suddenly passed a piece of paper to me. “Gue Hanna. I was homeschooled before. It’s my first time going to school so please be nice. Nice to know you Jonah!” was written on that paper. I didn’t know where she knew my name but i guess she read my name on my notebook. Then i had never heard her talked in aku-kamu after that day. I guess she really took my words seriously. I kinda felt bad.
Hanna was always drawing at class. She always got called out by teacher because of that, but she still continue doing it, and when i asked why, she always answered with, “Why would anything stop me from doing the thing that i like?”
Well that was kind of smart but also stupid, then i smacked her head hard. But i like the way she’s thinking, also at that time i felt a rage inside me. The more i knew her, the bigger rage inside me. I figured that i was envy cause she could do the thing i couldn’t, which was having a dream.
I wasn’t capable of having a dream or so called cita-cita because i had never taught to. My parents ensured me that i will have a bright future. But i guess the wall of trust that i made to that statement slowly destroyed. I began to feel insecure.
Me and Hanna grew closer, but when she told me that she was going to be an artist one day, i snapped. The enviousness raging inside me and the inability for me to do what she could came out just like that. I thought that she might hated me after i yelled out my ego and insecurities to her, but she didn’t. Rather than judging, she hugged me. That was maybe the very first hug i got from someone outside my family — or i might call it a first hug from a girl that made me feel comforts just from being with her.
And from that day we had never been separated. We were in eight grade, i made a lot of friends, so did Hanna. When Hanna found out that there was someone that still uses aku-kamu until that time, she was mad at me and thought that i lied to her. My personality changed 180 degrees that time. I started hanging out with variety of people. And began to seek for my parents attention by smoking, cursing, failed some lessons, and even skipping classes, while ended up being on detention.
My only intention was to tell my parents that i was not their puppet anymore. I wasn’t the same person i used to. But Hanna was always there to console me and made up excuses for teachers even my parents. I could count on her. Of all people, weren’t i so lucky?
Our friends constantly thought that we were dating. “Well not bad, though?” I said to her. We were hanging out in our school’s playground.
“Not bad kenapa?” She asked.
“Us, dating.”
She blushed. I didn’t know she could do that. I thought she had never seen me that way. “Wah kesurupan lo ya? Pait pait pait,” was her answer.
But then i asked her again throught chat. She accepted it. Aneh bener kata gua.
We started dating and our relationship was going smoothly. I learned that my girlfriend was really clingy, and she lives in a big house (even bigger than my house). We used to hang a lot at her house. Her mom was a famous novelist, until now. Those were the best times of my life. Being with her, was like a remedy. Plus we were a big fan of Reality Club.
I enjoyed her company, i cherish and treasure our moments together, even until now.
But eventually, i was totally not a good boyfriend for her. To be honest, she was my first. I came to love her so much, even though it was embarassing for me to say. She was amazing, she was talented, and she was perfect. What does she lack of? I asked myself a lot.
And what i did to her, were only influencing her into the way i didn’t want her to be. She had never draw again because she was too busy making up excuses for me. She was always there to reassure me when i had a fight with my dad. She came for me even at night when i said i need her next to me yet she never complained. Not even once.
As if she had seen the worst of me, but i had never seen the worst of her. It was not fair for me, but i‘m fine with that. I didn’t want to see the worst of her. Just me, my problems, and my parents were already enough for me. If it was a book, the chapters were all about me, and that’s fine. There were no chapters about her. And I’m also scared if one day she showed the worst of her, i couldn’t do the same as what she did to me.
I was a coward. And i still am.
“Can you do that? Be my fake girlfriend, just for a day?” I asked the girl in front of me. I arranged our meeting in a cafe.
“Lu gila? Satu sekolah juga tau Hanna cewek lo jing?” I knew it, she wouldn’t want to.
But i needed to do it. Breaking her heart the worst possible way i could do, so that she could believe me that i don’t love her.
“Gua juga udah tau lo pasti nolak, lu gak bakal punya nama jelek. It’s all on me. Jadi tenang aja, toh kita juga udah mau lulus ini.” I negotiated.
She was worried at first, but then agreed to do the gimmick.
I don’t want to bring her name, but Kayla you really is a good person. I’m sorry to had brought you into this.
Then it was somewhere in december, when the act finally began. I rarely contacted Hanna, and used extracurricular as a reason. Well it was not really a lie, we were really busy. But then at night when she was looking for me, my friend Dika sent her a screenshot of me, having a dinner, with this kayla girl. I made it as real as possible. One of her friend, Lydia was mad at me even though she was from a different school. Hanna gak berkutik. She acted like usual after that night. I guess she didn’t want to break up with me, but i really thought that we should.
No, we needed to.
She never asked about that night, until the day before our graduation. I told her that I cheated purposely cause i didn’t like her anymore, of course a lie. And I also told her that I had enough of her, and of course this was a lie too.
We parted ways that day. And i’ve never heard of her after we graduated. But we still followed each other in every social media, of course for me to keep up with her.
I thought that maybe i should move on and started dating other girls, but they weren’t enough, They were not her.
But seeing her now, i knew i have done the right thing. She met someone, who is better than me at every aspects. He can make her laugh, he can help for her studies, and they were inseparable.
“BUT ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THAT?”
Yes, I really am. I am happy with the things are now.
—-fin
