IT’S ANOTHER EVENING IN LEIDEN. I got on a bus that go straight to the station. As I put my earphones into my ears, my world instantly turned into somewhere I actually belonged. It was kinda lucky to find my walkman on the very last minute before I left the apartment. Gua duduk di kursi kedua dari belakang bis. Menyendiri biar keren. Looking like someone you probably would never even bother to talk to. With a letter in my hand that Lady gave me before I go, which was surely unexpected. Talking about Lady, she was really sweet and caring, and I am really thankful for her care. But it still pisses me off on why would she forgot to give her letter to me.
Tapi nggak kerasa gua ninggalin Leiden juga setelah satu bulan yang menurut gua cukup lama untuk mahasiswa yang notabenenya cuman pingin staycation. Tapi di sisi lain gua juga dapet banyak pengalaman yet a lot of things to take notes while being here. Yeah lot of notes, even about her.
My mind is still in a total blank after a few days she disappeared. I kept on thinking whether was it my fault, or hers. The fact that she left, after that night, even after that kiss that successfully took me on cloud nine. I couldn’t even believe that would be the last night I saw her. I didn’t even get the chance to make her mine. But was it actually possible, though?
Di kuping gua sekarang ada Billie Joe Armstrong nyanyi American Idiot when I realized that I have arrived on Leiden Centraal Station to catch up my train to the Amsterdam airport. I dragged my new suitcase out of the bus and thank the driver as if I was the only passenger there. Anyway, the bus to the train station is cost-free here. It only took a few steps from the gate to the railway platform. I sat on a waiting seat, waiting for my last train here to come. Repeatedly thinking whether I should open this letter that might actually making me hate myself or not. Kalo gua bilang gua nggak mau buka cepet-cepet berarti gua bohong. I do really want to know — her reason — leaving without a goodbye.
After fighting with my own ego, I finally opened the letter. The funny thing is that she fold her letter in an old school way. Is this her way to imitate me? Cause to be fucking honest, this letter do be looking like a joke to me. Kalo waktu SD dulu gua mah ngasih beginian buat contekan.
But the moment I put my face closer to the paper, I can smell her shampoo from it. The smell that I couldn’t get enough of because when she was near the smell was too strong to ignore. I hesitated, took a deep breath, and let it out. I chose to read the first two words of the letter and couldn’t help but curse. Are you seriously doing this to me, Ollaine?
Dear Raphael
I gulped so hard as as the song from my walkman changes into Last Night on Earth, coincidence or not. I keep on recalling her raspy voice calling out my name. A women other than my mother calling me Raphael. Nggak, mungkin lebih tepatnya HER calling me that.
I used to hate other girls calling me Raphael. Langsung gua ghosting, karena lu sokap mbak manggil-manggil gua gitu? But Ollaine — I can’t seem to get enough of her calling me by that name. Well, enough joking around, I continue myself to read the letter.
As I write this, I was about to see you with the best dress I could find in my messy dresser.
I really want to see that — I wish I could see her in that beautiful dress.
It’s really weird, reaching you out this way. But what else could i do? I broke my phone right after i got a call from someone i least expected on my way to you. Just incase you asked how did it broke? I slipped on the snow…:) (plz laugh)
Yeah, you got me laughing there. But I wonder who called her.
By the time you received and read this messy letter. I must had moved out and this letter would be the last thing you heard from me.
You pretty much joking there. Is she cutting me off?
Anyway say my thanks to Lady for giving this letter to you. I’ll miss her a lot. I owe her a lot. And I must had surely made you wait too long in the restaurant, right?
I double checked, and yeah you are right. You’re never wrong to me. And for the thanks, I bet she knows that you’re thankful for her.
The thing is that I am such a mess.
We can be a mess together or maybe more than we already are?
I can’t even bring myself to tell you about what has been happening. I’m really sorry that I broke my promises most of the time.
I have never actually gotten mad at you, even when the coffee has gone cold, Ollaine.
I’m sorry that i always made you wait for me.
It has become an obligation to me, I don’t mind.
I’m sorry that i’m selfish.
But I love a girl who thinks of themselves more than anyone.
I’m sorry that i got you into my mess. I’m sorry for hurting you.
It’s easy for you to assume that you hurt me, but again, I don’t mind.
I’m sorry that i kissed you and the fact that i liked the kiss. It was actually my first. :)
I’m honored to be your first. Could you believe that I’m actually smiling like an idiot right now?
I’m sorry that.. I come to love you, and for the first time in my life i felt so full of love that it confused me and couldn’t believe it myself that i am capable of loving.
You’re actually so full of love that you didn’t even notice that. But I’m glad knowing the fact that I’m not one sided here.
But I’m letting that feelings go, and you should too.
Oh.
I wish i could send you off to the station the day you go back. But i can’t.
I wish you knew how much I want you to be here.
And pls tell Lydia not to worry about me.
Will do.
Thank you for letting me experience things i thought i wouldn’t. It was really nice to meet you you, Raphael.
With love,
Ollaine Jansen
The moment I read her name, I see the paper gets wet. Then I realized some tears were coming down my cheek.
I may look so obvious that I also come to love her this much within such a short time here. The girl who is my friend’s cousin. The girl who has the same coping mechanism as I am. The girl who guided me all way through the city. The girl who splendidly hid her emotions well. The girl who told me to fuck off. The girl who has the most beautiful smile ever. The girl who laughed at my jokes. The girl who voluntary listened to me talking about my exes. The girl with complicated backgrounds; yet made her one of the most strong woman I’ve ever known other than my mother. She’s not perfect, but with that imperfections — somehow she completes me, fully.
I hope she’s not crying somewhere, anywhere, or even on the other side of the world, whoever she’s with. I hope there’ll be someone who would protect her precious smile from the world that hasn’t treated her well. Therefore, my wish is that — I hope to meet her again, maybe in another year, three years, ten years, if fate allows me. But who am I to talk about fate. I’d rather die than trusting myself on fate. Still, I hope I will find my way to see her again.
Well in her letter too, she never really said goodbye. But a “goodbye” is traditional, ain’t it?
I fold her letter back and put it in my bag as my last train here come to pick my sad ass. I checked on my bags and bring myself inside the train. I knew very well — that once I stepped inside this train, there is no turning back. To think about it again; I will probably be back here once I get the chance to pursue my dream. But for now, I’ll put everything that had happened here behind, all the memories. Even though I’ll probably sulking myself in my tiny apartment once I’m back.
But nevertheless, it was nice to meet you too, Ollaine Jansen.
— last train at 25 o’clock, fin.
